THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO IF YOU ARE A FAKE PRODUCER AND YOU ARE TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME

BY DANI FAITH LEONARD    

writer bio

#10 – Don’t “Drop the Hanks.”  Why would you claim that you are working with Tom Hanks?  I know you’re not working with Tom Hanks.  If you were, you definitely wouldn’t be spending your Friday nights hitting on 21-year-old girls at Brother Jimmy’s.

#9 – Don’t lie about your age when you meet me if you have a profile on Classmates.com.  I’m clearly going to go home and google you like any intelligent woman would do.  If one google search can tell me the year that you graduated high school, don’t tell me that you are 36 if you are really 46.  Lying is creepy.

#8 – Lay off the cheesy cologne.  If I want to drown in a cheesy fragrance I will walk into Abercrombie & Fitch.

#7 – Don’t try to drug me and if you do, make sure the roofie completely dissolves in my drink before I come back from the ladies room.  If I find it, my discovery will only be followed by awkward conversation.

#6 – Don’t cyber-stalk my friends to get to me.  If you choose to do so against my advice, please don’t post pictures of the following: your chest hair, your package in a speedo, your mail-order-bride, your 17 cats, etc.

#5 – Expensive gifts are creepy if you are a stranger.  Please don’t offer to buy me fur coats (I don’t wear fur), jewelry, or boobs (that really happened).

#4 – Don’t have too many “slashes” on your business card.  How many producer/director/actor/writer/game-show host/comedian/bodybuilder/inventors do you know?  None, jackass.  How would you have time to work with Mr. Hanks? (See #10)

#3 – Don’t make a film about hot, topless zombies roaming the streets of NYC and ask me to play the lead zombie (for no pay, of course)...unless your last name is Tarantino.

#2 – The same thing goes for topless vampires, topless werewolves, topless witches, etc.

#1 – Don’t try to implement your casting couch if your couch is in your parents’ house in Jersey.